Challenge Me.

the first thing I have to do tinkle and doodoo.. TMI?? 

environment: my bedroom- moved to nj in Aug 2010, movie: The Secret

i can remember two periods of my life when my brain became scrambled eggs. 

1st: i joined this direct selling company, you know when you’re referred to as an independent consultant and have to recruit people to be independent consultants and you make money thru the purchase of pricey things by you, your people and your people’s people. Anyway, we had to attend these meetings weekly, hear from our group leaders, celebrate milestones and goals reached. We would bump shoulders, finger-point at each other, and I would get the chance to practice my newly acquired social skills from last week’s book of the week “How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends” with the other women on the “team.” I’d mostly chat about how glossy their hair looked and if they were using “our” company’s own anti frizzy hair serum and how I’d been meaning to try it- Hey!! it was expensive, $20!! and after a $6 donation to attend the meeting and a $12 express train ticket to get me to and fro, I didn’t have much left to work with; my product quota was usually filled with multi-vitamins and supplements. and lots of toilet paper and cotton balls.

“You’re so adorable Emme, you and your crazy ideas!!”  you say… They had some awesome motivational speakers who happened to have reached the biggest milestones EVER within “our” company.  Don’t judge me, I’m a sucker for a good motivational speech, so whatever. They drilled into my head at the tender age of 22 that I would never ever want to be stuck as the man’s pawn, marionette puppet if you will, leaving my future in the hands of flawed humans (whatever did he mean!?!). And so basically, I hated any job I worked.  Hates a strong word.  Not every job I hated.  Maybe 2 of them.  I didn’t like to be told what to do, you better talk to me in a chipper manner, and they had this weird problem with me calling out sick every few weeks or so (I’m not a machine).  

and then the second time … I was around the same age of 22.. I was in college, sociology class to be exact, and the professor stood up in front of the room and said we would hate him because we will never look at the world the same way again.  Those 14 weeks in the winter shifted my entire SHIT on the news, journalists, text books, anything touched or endorsed by some type of mass corporation, government or political figure, I questioned EVERYTHING. Now, now.. I am far from a revolutionary, never even been to a protest because I don’t want to get maced in the eye or tazed in the ass, but I don’t keep up with the news, read many newspapers, or keep up with mainstream media.  I am far from under a rock, I like to think I’m on top of the world actually (finger-gun shoots at you wink wink) but I try not to flood my brain with mass paid opinions. I string my facts and figures with all the stories I hear all day, explore a little, ask some questions, and then make a decision on how I will file said happening in my brain.  

revisit»>

In present times, I can describe my brain as more like french toast.. a little more cultured, slightly snobby, rich with sweetness, and always in need of a double processing for any finished thought that comes out of my mouth.  It’s about a year since I revisited this psychosis draft. And I’m coming to the point in my life that I don’t want to give an Eff about people’s feelings.. that cause and effect concept is so highly overrated.  

nothing really has nothing to with the other. i create stories but am no liar.

who was hanging out with his mama and his step-papa.. how I knew it was his stepdaddy?? His mama got off the train a stop early, and his step-daddy said “don’t worry big boy, mommy will be back in two hours..” The look on the boy was sadness and disappointment, as if he was used to being told that and wasn’t trusting his mom would really be home in 2 hours. He didn’t really make eye contact to the Man who had a kind face, in many ways he probably regarded his love as coming from an impostor, your not my mommy but you aren’t my daddy.. he just stared out the train window, we were in the tunnel and there wasn’t a view to behold. The child went from playful and silly around mom to serious, a seriousness and maturity to much for a 4 year old. 

i create stories.

It takes real brains to maintain a tumblr.. No likes dislikes, composition of real sentences with no excuses to use abbreviation and no friends no stalking just imagination and the habit to output your ideas as quick as they come before as quickly they go.

I just want to do it with you.. Yea, yea, yeaaaaa xo

Will run to the bodega on his own accord and buy you tampons after listening to you cry on the other side of the door because you dropped the last one in the toilet by mistake. Luv u.

you’re here. waiting for me. I can’t say why I left you alone, unbothered, untouched for so many, many months. you always said you’d be here for me, hold on to my every word, keeping my thoughts secure, safe keeping.. and without vengeance, retribution, or snide snippy comments you welcome me back. open arms, blank page, lets start all over again, like childhood friends, no time for grudges, pointing fingers, happy to be back and you’ll always have my back. to the end. 

my trust is in you now, after turning over so many useless stones looking for acceptance, here you were the whole time, gently molding me, letting me be crazy, bringing me back, freeing me, reeling me in, gentle criticism, my best interest at heart… psssst, you spelled that wrong, beautiful… 

It’s never just words.